It’s been a busy sort of week but in a good way. Getting ready for Christmas, working and working over time, shuttling kids to-and-fro. This time of year I think that almost everyone gets a bit overwhelmed with all that’s going on.
Last Saturday I went to a friend’s house for my 2nd ever Cookie Exchange baking party. There were 4 of us baking and that makes for a crowded kitchen! Some wine was had and dozes of cookies were made. The 4 dozen cookies I brought home were gone by Sunday afternoon. Love living with teens!
Actually going to this was a huge accomplishment for me. Over the past few years I’ve been really struggling with anxiety and depression. Part of that struggle has been making myself almost home-bound. I would leave for work, I would do necessary grocery shopping and occasionally would go out with my husband for an hour or so. But that was pretty much it. I had started lying to get out of family get togethers and this past August it really hit me that I was not emotionally healthy in any way. While I’ve been on medication for depression and anxiety for nearly 7 years this was only the second or third time I was skating on the edge of hurting myself. After trying unsuccessfully to get in to see a specialist who could manage my medications and council me for several months I finally made an appointment with my primary care. She’s fantastic and I simply adore her! She has been writing the script for my meds for nearly 6 years but I knew that she would not be comfortable with adding in new medications, after all she’s a primary care and not a psychiatrist. When I went to her office and broke down hysterical and confessed to wanting to hurt myself (a delicate way to say I was suicidal) she nearly admitted me to the hospital. But I had my husband with me who promised to take me to the hospital right away if I got any worse and she asked me to come back in a week. She used that week to research medications and she did add something in. It helped but it muted me as well. After another two months I finally found a psychiatrist & a therapist, had another medication change and have just…just…just…started to feel better. More energy, better outlook on life and the desire to actual live again.
Part of my disease is doing things to extremes. While my doctor hasn’t said it yet I think I may be Bipolar II – look it up, it’s pretty interesting. The new meds (Abilify paired with my Lexapro) has really leveled me out and I’m more engaged. Hence, the ability to actually go to the cookie exchange – and ENJOY it! It was a huge step forward for me and it’s made me quite happy. Next steps include some more cooking at home. I’m really good at it and I really, really enjoy it but the depression I was in literally backed me into the corner of my couch and I didn’t move for months. Hopefully I’ll have some recipes to share and photos with them.
More cooking at home, using local products, is part of me getting prepared to live locally. My original goal – to totally switch from Walmart shopping to local, sustainable products by July 2012 may have been part of a mood swing. While I still want to do it I think I’ll be going as full bore as originally planned. I’m working it out in my head and it’s pretty enjoyable for me. I’m a thinker – makes me very happy when I’m working things out. Once I have things more concrete I’ll share more.
In the meantime I’m off to watch some TV with hubby.